Saturday, July 28, 2007

The day my husband forbids me to mention

Today is the day my husband forbids me to mention. Maybe not forbids, but he has let me know in no uncertain terms, not to bring it up.

Today is the day that my first child was supposed to be born. Based on my recording keeping and the calculated dates of ovulation, conception and sonogram-dating, every date came to the conclusion July 28th was the BIG DAY. Eric feels there's no point recalling this day, since we don't recall the due date's of Alison and Adam. I of course argue his point. We do mention Alison's due date because it was my mother's birthday and there's not much to say about Adam's since it was pretty much on his birthday. His date's were always off but I firmly believe he was due March 29 but I couldn't have a scheduled C on Saturday so Friday March 28th it was.

When July 28, 2000 came, I was in a hotel in Washington DC, fantasizing Room Service would deliver a baby to me, sobbing in Eric's arms, and listening to the very last broadcast of Regis and KathyLee - a program I had never watched. It was a horrible day for me and thinking back I can remember the rawness I felt, as if someone stripped by skin and I was just a bunch of bones with a broken heart.

Today in 2007, I'm not much happier. Oh there have been joyous times, and there will continue to be. But I am still deeply saddened by my grandmother's death on July 4th and I'm feeling a lot of that rawness today. At least I have my children, who've been extremely tolerant of their moody mommy.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

A photo in heaven

It's hard to know what is the "right" thing to do, especially where death is concerned. I arrived at the Funeral home Thursday July 5 with photos of my children and my grandmother. I guess I should say my living chidren. I did not know what to do regarding Solomon.

My grandmother was at my side through my ordeal losing Solomon, and would hold my hand for months to come whenever we were together. She never spoke of him, taking the lead from me.

I called my husband and asked him to bring a photo of Solomon for my grandmother's coffin. I did not have the photo displayed with the other photos of her great-grandchildren - it would have been too much for me to explain to those who came to comfort us. His picture was in an envelope with instructions to place it with my grandmother when the casket was sealed. And that's what happened.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

This just SUCKS

About 7:30 this morning my telephone rang. It was my mother. I knew the news could not be good, but I didn't think it would be as bad as it was. My grandmother had died this morning. I dropped the phone and fell silent.

When Eric finished talking to my mom, he held me as I shook and cried. "Why would my mother say such a mean thing?" I asked, not to him directly.

This was one of the days I was always dreading.

Goldie, my grandmother, was one of the lights of my life. To know her was to love her. Always with a smile and a positive attitude, she was very honest and forgiving, two traits I have always tried to have. She always turned away to other people's flaws and saw the best side of them.

She loved unconditionally, no matter who, no matter what.

When I was losing Solomon, one of the things I wanted the most was her. And she obliged by sitting quietly in the corner of my hospital room. She said nothing, she just let me rant.

When I gave birth to Alison, she was there with my mother. Her first great-grandchild had been born, and a great-granddaughter no less. And when Adam was born, she was right there too. Reveling in the love we felt for the new "little man" in our family. We gave her the honor of Sandek at his bris.

Goldie was a golden light who never wanted anything more than to be surrounded by those she loved most in the world. My life is now darker and will remain so, regardless of the joys that lie ahead.

I miss you grandma.