tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275272712024-03-07T13:36:19.338-05:00Pregnancy Journeys After Loss"The birth of a child isn't always a nine-month process."Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.comBlogger85125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-80397969376071159342018-08-23T11:31:00.003-04:002018-08-23T11:31:47.886-04:00A Long TimeIt has been a long time since my last post. This doesn't mean I've stopped thinking about Solomon. The past year has been hard, hard in a way only a babyloss mama can understand. It was a year of "would have" - Solomon would have been a senior in High School, learned how to drive, applied to colleges, been accepted, had graduation and prom. There's an abundance of activities he didn't participate in. It's worn on me.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-38489544872222419612017-09-13T16:09:00.001-04:002017-09-13T16:09:30.909-04:00FundraisingIf you're reading this entry, thank you.<br />
<br />
A 14 year old girl in 9th grade with my rainbow son was hit by a car last week. In the first few hours there were so many rumors about her condition. I cried in my house and I cried at work for her mom.<br />
<br />
She will need many surgeries and tons of physical therapy. If you can, I hope you will donate to help this family and please share the link. #LaraStrong<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.gofundme.com/lara-oceanside-student-hit-by-car" target="_blank">https://www.gofundme.com/lara-oceanside-student-hit-by-car</a>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-56446527560666303302017-05-22T09:59:00.001-04:002017-05-22T09:59:10.329-04:00Make new friendsYesterday I made a new friend. I don't want to make new friends. It isn't because I'm unfriendly or unkind. It's because I don't want any more people to be on this journey. It seemed like kismet that I have this new friend. Two different moms I know reached out to me about a woman who lost a daughter last month. Both these women thought of me. I gave the first woman one of my books, and when the second woman reached out and told me the bereaved mom had my book, I knew it had to be the same mom.<br />
<br />
I hope I can be some comfort to this mom. I know her pain.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-29920025323504783632016-12-08T10:00:00.002-05:002016-12-08T10:00:46.387-05:00DaddyMy daddy, Martin Schwartz, passed away on December 2, 2016. I hope he's met Solomon, I hope now they are both not alone. <br />
<br />
This was the eulogy I gave for my dad.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">December 5,
2016</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thank you
all for coming today.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I very much
appreciate it and I'm sure my family does too. This will mostly be in I format
but please factor in my brother too! </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've spent
the past 72 hours trying to come up with the right words to convey how I feel
about my dad.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think most
people here know that I am a daddy's girl.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For years I thought my dad hung the moon.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hope most little girls feel that way about
their dads.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would stand on his feet
and he would dance me around our living room like a princess.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My dad was
born to Estelle and Charles Schwartz in 1941.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first son after two sisters, Sondra and Arlene, and big brother to
my uncle Norman.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He grew up playing
stickball in the Bronx and going to Yankees games.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was for sure a Yankees fan.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He graduated Dewitt Clinton high school where
he got to school walking up hill, both ways.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After graduating enlisted in the navy.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was on the ship that opened the St. Lawrence's seaway.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He became a
lithographic cameraman by trade.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He met
my mom through friends and they married in 1964. Their 52nd anniversary was a
few days ago. They married in November and I was born in December my dad would
joke.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But it was the following December!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mike and I
had a wonderful childhood.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We didn't
grow up rich but we grew up with everything we needed in our parents. We were
fed, sheltered and loved.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And we were
driven to our various activities in a series of station wagons that my dad
loved.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I remember
snapshots of my childhood. Dad teaching me to play checkers and me crying
because he won every game. It seemed like we played 100 games but it was
probably only 5 or 6.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I remember calling
him from college, complaining my anatomy and physiology class was too hard and
that I would never need this information.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He said someday I would use that knowledge.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was right.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Years later I was able to answer a really hard question about
capillaries on Jeopardy.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He would bring
me tootsie rolls when her ran errands for my mom.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was a neighborhood dad whom all the kids
knew.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My dad had a
signature whistle and when we heard it in the hallway.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Me, Mike, mom and sniffy would race to the
door get the first kiss!</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While
learning popular dances for my cousin Eric's bar mitzvah, daddy did the most
amazing John Travolta impression to The Bee Gees Staying Alive.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If only we had had the camera out. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'd call my
dad and say hi it's me. He'd say hello me or sometimes hello sweets. And we
ended our conversations with I love yous.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dad loved
science fiction movies and Mel Brooks comedy.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He loved Country music: Johnny Cash, the Oakridge Boys, Merle Haggard,
Loretta Lynn. He also loved Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass. He would visit
me at work and say “Hello I'm Johnny Cash” to the receptionist. It was his
signature greeting.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In some ways, I
think my dad was a cowboy at heart.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We shared a
love of The Muppets show and MASH – especially Season 2 Episode 20 ‘As You
Were” when Hawkeye and Trapper John ordered gorilla suits.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He loved
Diet Pepsi with very little ice, Lipton Tea, jelly beans and chocolate,
chocolate almost as much as my mom.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
boy did he love a good ribeye steak. My dad cooked a mean grilled cheese and an
even better one-eye sandwich for the kids. He loved hot dogs, burnt to a crisp.
Speaking about food, my father would carve our Thanksgiving turkeys to
perfection.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyone who’d ever seen one of
his turkeys was blown away at his precision and meticulousness.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We shared a
love of Wo Hops chicken kew with black bean sauce. I'd travel home from college
on Amtrak and take the subway downtown to his job and we'd walk up Canal street
to Mott.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was always so happy whenever
I had the chance to go to Wo Hops.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As a family
we would go camping, roller skating and skiing.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And with his grandkids we’d play Uno, Balderdash and Wii Bowling.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The look on his face while my Aunt Tindy was
winning Wii Bowling was seriously befuddled!</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dad enjoyed
traveling with mom, with us and alone. Israel, England, California, Florida and
Branson Missouri. Our whole tribe trips to Disney and Virginia, twelve of us
having good times.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We shared so
many conversations, none of which I can recall.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I just always enjoyed the time being with him that was precious to me.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lest you
think my dad perfect or that I thought he was, I didn't.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was human, he made mistakes. I forgave
him.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And he forgave me my mistakes.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My dad and I had a mutual respect for each
other.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My dad loved
my mom.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He took every opportunity to
praise her to me – her cooking or how she looked. Most recently at Adam’s Bar
Mitzvah he commented “Hey doesn’t mom look great?” They were just “2 kids from
the Bronx”</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My dad loved
all of us and especially his grandchildren Alex, Alison, Adam and
Cayleigh.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He had so many special moments
with all of them.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He presented Ali with
the tallit given him for his bar mitzvah at her bat mitzvah.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He loved Eric, called him a big teddy bear
and I know he knows Eric will always be my rock and protector.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many might
not know: my dad had been ill since June.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He had been in Booth Memorial Hospital and The Grande Rehabilitation
Center in Whitestone and then the VA Home in St. Albans.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our visits were mostly every 1-2 weeks and we
spoke on the phone every few days.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When
he went into North Shore last Monday, I thought this was just a setback and
that I’d see him this coming weekend.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On
Monday, I showed him pictures of all of us on my cellphone, and he smiled.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I showed him the photo of my cats, he
smiled and rolled his eyes.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He feigned
dislike but I know he was an animal lover. It broke his heart when Sniffy died
and he could not bring himself to tell me. He told me she somehow gained her
strength and ran out of the vets office and is still running.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My dad was a
son, grandson, nephew, uncle, son-in-law, husband, father and grandfather. His
love was unconditional. He liked most people and tried to put people at ease. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was my
hero in so many ways.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is a
blessing that I got to be Marty's daughter and even more so that not only was
he my daddy, he was also my friend.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is a daddy-sized whole in my heart that will always be there. I
imagine you arrived at the gates of Heaven and said “Hello I’m Johnny
Cash.”</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am glad you are no longer
suffering and sad that you are not here to enjoy many more years with us. </span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You are always with me.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have the Schwartz chin and your hands. Adam
has your sensitivity and Alison has your strength.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alex has your commitment and Cayleigh has
your spiritedness.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love you
daddy.</span></span></div>
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-6172765625916589332016-10-21T08:40:00.001-04:002016-10-21T08:42:41.417-04:00Small Great ThingsI read the book, <i>Small Great Things</i> by Jodi Picoult this week. The story was excellent and I pretty much abandoned many of my usual chores to read. There were two sentences that just will stay with me. "I think I know why it is called the Kangaroo Suite. It's because even when you no longer have a child, you carry him forever." Here is the Amazon link <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Small-Great-Things-Jodi-Picoult/dp/0345544951/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1477053668&sr=8-1&keywords=small+great+things" target="_blank">Small Great Things</a>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-52303568946923510122016-10-16T09:34:00.002-04:002016-10-16T09:34:34.031-04:00In Memory<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This week was both Yom Kippur (October 12) and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day (October 15). We lit a candle for Solomon along with Eric's dad and brother for Yom Kippur. Imagine my surprise when Eric suggested including Solomon in our Temple's Yizkor Book. Yizkor is a memorial service held by Jews on certain holy days for deceased relatives or martyrs. We made our offering and here is the photo of Solomon's name. I rarely see his whole name anywhere. I was so touched at Eric's suggestion.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDYf46PxTpuy8viTLnaRGkONr_4XHhvWeMnJJlU9wlupCKQGYgcApuBnBsibrGRH8mnIif-tXQzIujt3KgyNxSa0xA6_5jB1GdjrAqzGEXrSfhoaeyi3IsgJZs2Pa37xjwagLwFQ/s1600/yizkor+5777.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="118" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDYf46PxTpuy8viTLnaRGkONr_4XHhvWeMnJJlU9wlupCKQGYgcApuBnBsibrGRH8mnIif-tXQzIujt3KgyNxSa0xA6_5jB1GdjrAqzGEXrSfhoaeyi3IsgJZs2Pa37xjwagLwFQ/s320/yizkor+5777.jpg" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a></span>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-60806059581388166412016-03-08T07:08:00.002-05:002016-03-08T07:08:43.782-05:00Wonder 16Today is the 16th anniversary of losing Solomon. In less than three weeks Adam will have his bar mitzvah. March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, especially for me. I've spent the last few months wondering, a lot. Wondering what Solomon would look like at this age. Wondering if he would be athletic like Eric or a book-lover like me, maybe both. I wonder if he would have a girlfriend, or a boyfriend and would have all the googly feelings of a first crush. I wonder sometimes how 16 years have flown by in a blink.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-42247791158625210292015-12-31T09:58:00.000-05:002015-12-31T09:58:17.663-05:00AnotherEric shared an email with me just the other day. An older couple from our Temple wrote to the Executive Board about the loss of their grand-daughter at 34 weeks. They knew the child would not live earlier in their daughter's pregnancy.<br />
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As I read the email, I could feel another piece of my heart breaking off and drifting away - for their pain and suffering, and for mine. The odd thing is, I was also feeling envious. Solomon did not make it to 34 weeks and I did not get to have him in any physical way outside my body. My thoughts were how lucky this family was to be able to see this child and to hold this child while I was not able to.<br />
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In the end a loss is a loss and hopefully Eric and I will be able to offer support when needed.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-18861135517016659932015-12-30T09:11:00.000-05:002015-12-30T09:11:29.112-05:00My birthdayI turned 50 last week. Hard to imagine. When I lost Solomon I was 34. So much has happened in life. Lately I've been praying to him a lot for what weighs heaviest on my mind. I do wonder if his spirit can hear me and is aware of my life. I hope I'm forgiven for losing him when I did everything I could to save him.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-13176579746248150472015-05-15T13:06:00.000-04:002015-05-15T13:06:05.141-04:0015+Yesterday, I had the opportunity to have a girly medical procedure. The last time I had this procedure was 2000. In fact I had two that year: one 7 weeks after losing Solomon and the second for my blighted ovum.<br />
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For the 2000 events, I remember bargaining with God, please let my body heal, please let me get pregnant and have a living baby. This time around, I was bargaining to let me live. I get very paranoid and have fatalistic thoughts whenever I am anaesthetized. Now it takes the form of how will my family go on without me? I'm not that narcissistic to believe they would be incapable. I just get so saddened at thoughts of what I would miss if I weren't here to be with them.<br />
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Obviously things went well as deep in my heart I knew they would. Still, lingering thoughts about the trajectory of my life.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-58111106905196250582015-03-23T12:55:00.002-04:002015-03-23T12:55:27.146-04:00JusticeA few months ago I read a news story online. It was about Steve and Lindsey Justice, who had lost septuplets. The story is here: <a href="http://www.people.com/article/north-carolina-couple-lose-septuplets">http://www.people.com/article/north-carolina-couple-lose-septuplets</a>.<br />
I felt so sad for them so I sent them a copy of my book. <br />
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I'm often delinquent in checking my P.O. box. Most of the orders for my book come via in the Internet/Paypal. Today I happen to be at the Post Office dropping off mail and opened my P.O. to find a huge stack of miscellaneous advertisement. After sorting through it all, there was an envelope addressed to me, hand-written, highly unusual.<br />
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I was shocked and warmed when I opened it. It was from Lindsey Justice, thanking me for sending along the book. She wrote she has found much comfort in it. <br />
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I don't often receive feedback about<em> Journeys</em> and certainly have never received any for sending it cold. I never know how it will be received. Lindsey's note was very reassuring the <em>Journeys</em> has a place in this world. I wish her and her family peace on their journey.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-70232783097360165402015-03-08T16:35:00.002-04:002015-03-08T16:35:36.381-04:0015Dreading today as always. Having one of my "anniversary" stomach aches. In 15 years since losing Solomon, I have birthed two children who continue to thrive. I have taken on volunteer roles I never knew existed. I started part-time work that is very rewarding. I've made friends, many of whom I would never have crossed paths with.<br />
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Solomon hugged me today. I had misplaced his Certificate of Stillbirth and it has weighed on my mind for months. I have the scan of it in my laptop. Today, not even looking for it, it appeared: I found it tucked in with my label paper of all things.<br />
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I feel my loss very acutely on this day. Eric has commented (to me in real life) how interesting it is to see who has acknowledged my Facebook photo: the scrapbook page I made for Solomon. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifZzfQFzocDpweb5YQB6WacRgG1sUIFUj4AOAJAZtyVqtWz42yPh7KV0TrLsPFN2vQZYdCpMp3wSFH-N6EtCSWbEqXWk4HTVNi1CfEL51rUf8g-j13JVSghF5911NRctLj5-d3tA/s1600/scrapbooksolomon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifZzfQFzocDpweb5YQB6WacRgG1sUIFUj4AOAJAZtyVqtWz42yPh7KV0TrLsPFN2vQZYdCpMp3wSFH-N6EtCSWbEqXWk4HTVNi1CfEL51rUf8g-j13JVSghF5911NRctLj5-d3tA/s1600/scrapbooksolomon.jpg" height="320" width="311" /></a></div>
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Eric has given me space today and also kept my mind occupied. We can talk about Solomon in a way we could not 15 years ago. I watch the clock, and remember the day. My tears come quietly.<br />
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Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-33368994420058851742015-02-17T09:02:00.002-05:002015-02-17T09:03:07.704-05:00Grey's AnatomyOn Thursday February 12, 2015, Grey's Anatomy aired "All I Could Do Was Cry." The story revolved around two lead characters and the prospect of losing their baby mid-pregnancy. I wish there would have been one of those scrolling red bars at the bottom of my TV screen, you know the ones, they run most of the time during the winter months to warn of hazardous weather.<br />
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Anyway, I watched the episode because I love this show and happen to find myself home, without any kid-transporting or errand-running. To say the show covered a lifetime of emotions is an understatement.<br />
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I was first moved when April became aware there was nothing she could do for her son in utero, that he was in pain. This was the deciding factor for her to move forward to end her pregnancy. I know that moment, as does anyone who is probably reading this blog. <br />
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Another poignant moment was when April's mother-in-law spoke to her about releasing her baby. The MIL gave April the strength she needed. I was blessed to have someone do this for me and it came in the form of my best friend's aunt. She told me she would pray for me and while I cried to her on the telephone, she told me she would be my vitamin, she would be my strength. I hear her words whenever I have the opportunity to see her.<br />
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And while April still is holding out for a miracle, knowing they occur, I remember I wanted one too. Who wouldn't? I wanted to be the medical mystery, I wanted my miracle. But in my immediate situation I would not have it. My induction proceeded and I thought my physician was crazy. But on TV, April and Jackson (her husband) were able to hold their baby for the few seconds that he lived. Maybe that was their miracle.<br />
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Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-23646648928239890092014-10-06T18:27:00.005-04:002014-10-06T18:28:29.385-04:00Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness MonthI hope you find this blog posting helpful - it is so realistic!<br />
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<a href="http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/15-things-i-need-my-partner-to-know-during-our-pregnancy-after-loss/" target="_blank">http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/15-things-i-need-my-partner-to-know-during-our-pregnancy-after-loss/</a>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-18520445921484592692014-09-03T16:59:00.002-04:002014-09-03T16:59:19.600-04:00Volunteer Photographers soughtIf you're a photographer, please consider volunteering. For so many of us, all we have are photos. All I have are photos taken by a nurse. I didn't get to see or hold Solomon.<br />
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<a href="https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/volunteer/volunteer-membership-information/">https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/volunteer/volunteer-membership-information/</a>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-51281783068529775382014-09-03T08:22:00.000-04:002014-09-03T08:22:02.479-04:00Already?Yesterday was the start of another school year. Already? It's hard to imagine Solomon would have started High School yesterday, along with so many of my friend's children. To think that it's fourteen years since we lost him...The passage of time just doesn't make sense sometimes.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-46410423739792425682014-07-21T16:21:00.003-04:002014-07-23T15:58:48.490-04:00Ali paying it forward<span class="txt1">My previous post was brief, about Ali's bat mitzvah. As part of her on-going desire to 'pay it forward' she has started an online fundraising campaign. She will match the total she is hoping to raise here:</span><br />
<span class="txt1"><a href="http://www.gofundme.com/Alis-Art-Supply-Drive" target="_blank">Ali's Art Supply Drive</a></span><br />
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<span class="txt1">The plan is purchase supplies for summer 2015 for North Shore Holiday House Camp. Please consider making a donation, every little bit count. For more information on North Shore Holiday House Camp please check out <a href="http://www.nshh.org/" target="_blank">North Shore Holiday House</a></span><br />
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<object classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" height="338" title="Click Here to donate!" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="258"><param name="movie" value="//funds.gofundme.com/Widgetflex.swf" /><param name="quality" value="high" /><param name="flashvars" value="page=Alis-Art-Supply-Drive&template=3" /><param name="wmode" value="transparent" /><embed allowScriptAccess="always" src="//funds.gofundme.com/Widgetflex.swf" quality="high" flashVars="page=Alis-Art-Supply-Drive&template=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="258" height="338"></embed></object>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-43706914428935250142014-06-22T15:43:00.000-04:002014-06-22T15:43:04.290-04:00Alison Bat MitzvahOn Friday June 20, 2014 Alison became a Bat Mitzvah. For months, weeks and days I've worked on planning the party while she worked on learning her Torah portion. The whole process of planning was very emotional. I cried almost every day while putting together her video montage. Then I cried during the service, more tears of joy than sorrow. How did the time fly by so quickly?<br />
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And it occurred to me a few times I should have been working on a Bar Mitzvah last year. I prayed to Solomon to just watch over her, and I think sometimes he does.<br />
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-69747579962179816562014-05-15T18:35:00.000-04:002014-05-15T18:36:06.456-04:00Return to ZeroPlease tune in and watch Return to Zero on Lifetime on May 17, 2014.<br />
<img alt="Cover Photo" class="coverPhotoImg photo img" data-fbid="883924081633749" src="https://scontent-1.2914.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/10345843_883924081633749_4195639477468912110_n.jpg" style="top: 0px; width: 100%;" /><br />
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<a href="http://vimeo.com/94229672?utm_campaign=5cc012ed7d-RTZ_Premiere_May_17&utm_medium=email&utm_source=RTZ+LOCAL+LEADERS&utm_term=0_e00bb4db83-5cc012ed7d-324497521"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Return to Zero</span></a>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-60649506996917654802014-05-01T13:47:00.001-04:002014-05-01T13:47:19.855-04:00Margery in IsraelBittersweet feelings just now. A comrade posted a photo of herself on the Mount of Olives overlooking Jerusalem. She looks beautiful and the sun is shining over the valley.<br />
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I'm so happy for her!!! I'm so happy I also got to stand where she is standing, and see the wonder of Israel for myself.<br />
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Not so happy when I remember I was pregnant with Solomon while I was there, although I didn't know it at the time. Sigh.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-33507768897092349562014-03-07T07:31:00.000-05:002014-03-07T07:31:27.893-05:00NothingnessMarch 7, 2000 was the day of nothingness. There really is no other word to describe the feeling. It would be my second full day in the hospital. It was a day of waiting. People were celebrating Mardi Gras. Eric never left my side. <br />
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From what I can recall, I had visitors: my mom and dad, my grandma and my friend Terry. The only image that erases the fraught look Terry had visiting me that day is the look on her face when she held Alison for the first time seventeen months later.<br />
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My grandmother sat quietly in the chair near my window. She was resigned to my fate. I probably was too. There were so many mixed emotions. While I prayed for a miracle, I also prayed for this trauma to be over. I could not foresee what tumult the next day would bring for me, Eric and our marriage.<br />
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This day of nothingness also brought a Rabbi, upon my request, to my side. I wish today I could recall his words and I'm sure somewhere else I've written about them. They will probably come back to me when I least expect them to.<br />
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Some days are harder than others.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-80954373848247088172014-03-04T12:59:00.003-05:002014-03-04T12:59:51.017-05:00March 4, 2000 My last, best dayFourteen years ago was my last, best day. I don't mean I haven't had best days since, I certainly have. The live births of my two children Alison and Adam were the miracles that brought me back to life.<br />
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But fourteen years ago today, Eric and I went to lunch to celebrate my grandmother's birthday. We went to Patrick's Pub on Northern Boulevard in Little Neck, NY. I had quiche. I was very cranky that day. Could something deep down in my psyche known how my life would begin to unravel the very next day?<br />
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Fourteen years ago today was the last day I would have ever not worry incessantly about what could happen in life. And while the worry doesn't stop me from living my life, it is always present right below the surface of my mind.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-46304980727172605972013-10-15T12:48:00.002-04:002013-10-15T12:48:36.837-04:00October 15: National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remebrance DayFeeling it today. Actually was feeling it the other day. We're invited to a friend's son's Bar Mitzvah next month. Another friend had her son's bar mitzvah a few months ago. This was supposed to be the year of Solomon's bar mitzvah, he was supposed to be friends with these two boys. According to Eric, he is an angel on their shoulders. Very surprised Eric would say something like this - I hope it's true.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-63173834845667810172013-05-28T13:08:00.004-04:002013-05-28T13:08:51.650-04:00Superstorm SandyIt is seven months since Superstorm Sandy hit Long Island. Our house suffered little bits of damage but nothing compared to our friends and neighbors around the block and in our town, some of whom are still not domiciled in their beloved homes.<br />
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For the first two days without electricity, it was an adventure. Eric and I travelled carefully around town, kids in tow, checking on friends and helping where we could. The devastation was overwhelming and I began to grow very afraid.<br />
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By the fifth day, all of our food was gone - a complete freezer full and a complete refrigerator full. Our town warnings were to have candles, water, food, matches and other items to get through a day or so. They did not warn of the possibility of an almost two-week stint without electricity.<br />
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When Eric needed to check on clients, he left me and the two kids in our back room. He lit a fire and I sat in front of the fire feeding it wood and twigs and when it was low old newspapers. One such afternoon I called our town's Office of Emergency Management. When I asked the very young employee if he had any ideas about progress and when the power would be restored his reply was "turn on the TV for the updates." I had heard some really stupid things before but this one is in my top three.<br />
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While driving on a major road in our town I leaned out the window and let loose with a cohort of expletives that even shocked my husband. But the cars crossing our road still would not stop, and they barely slowed. I thought we would all die.<br />
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Over the next 13 days we managed to feed the kids, keep them sheltered, keep ourselves sheltered, and check on friends. We attended a rally with our friends and neighbors, and continued to be perplexed by the delays restoring power.<br />
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For 13 days I reminded myself again and again, "this is not the worst thing to happen, it could be worse." I am not sure if I am lucky to have lost Solomon. That loss kept this crisis in check.<br />
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<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27527271.post-83083143052143635312013-05-28T13:01:00.003-04:002013-05-28T13:01:15.693-04:00Return to Zero film
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<h1 style="background: white; margin: 0.67em 0in;">
<span style="color: black;">Break the Silence!
Pledge to See RETURN TO ZERO in theaters!<o:p></o:p></span></h1>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;">RETURN TO
ZERO is the first film ever created with stillbirth as its central theme. We
have an amazing cast (MINNIE DRIVER, PAUL ADELSTEIN, ALFRED MOLINA, CONNIE
NIELSEN KATHY BAKER, ANDREA ANDERS and SARAH JONES) and have created a
beautiful and touching film that will change how people view stillbirth and the
effect it has on parents, relationships, families, and communities.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;">Now we
need this film to reach the largest audience possible--which is why we need
your help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;">By
PLEDGING to see RETURN TO ZERO in theaters opening weekend when it shows in
your community you will prove to Hollywood that that there is an audience for a
film about this difficult but important subject matter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black;">We can do
this--but only if we work together. Let's finally SHATTER THE SILENCE ONCE AND
FOR ALL! PLEDGE BELOW!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform">https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform</a>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13649235084303183035noreply@blogger.com0