The day my husband forbids me to mention

Today is the day my husband forbids me to mention. Maybe not forbids, but he has let me know in no uncertain terms, not to bring it up.

Today is the day that my first child was supposed to be born. Based on my recording keeping and the calculated dates of ovulation, conception and sonogram-dating, every date came to the conclusion July 28th was the BIG DAY. Eric feels there's no point recalling this day, since we don't recall the due date's of Alison and Adam. I of course argue his point. We do mention Alison's due date because it was my mother's birthday and there's not much to say about Adam's since it was pretty much on his birthday. His date's were always off but I firmly believe he was due March 29 but I couldn't have a scheduled C on Saturday so Friday March 28th it was.

When July 28, 2000 came, I was in a hotel in Washington DC, fantasizing Room Service would deliver a baby to me, sobbing in Eric's arms, and listening to the very last broadcast of Regis and KathyLee - a program I had never watched. It was a horrible day for me and thinking back I can remember the rawness I felt, as if someone stripped by skin and I was just a bunch of bones with a broken heart.

Today in 2007, I'm not much happier. Oh there have been joyous times, and there will continue to be. But I am still deeply saddened by my grandmother's death on July 4th and I'm feeling a lot of that rawness today. At least I have my children, who've been extremely tolerant of their moody mommy.