Another

Eric shared an email with me just the other day.  An older couple from our Temple wrote to the Executive Board about the loss of their grand-daughter at 34 weeks.  They knew the child would not live earlier in their daughter's pregnancy.

As I read the email, I could feel another piece of my heart breaking off and drifting away - for their pain and suffering, and for mine.  The odd thing is, I was also feeling envious.  Solomon did not make it to 34 weeks and I did not get to have him in any physical way outside my body.  My thoughts were how lucky this family was to be able to see this child and to hold this child while I was not able to.

In the end a loss is a loss and hopefully Eric and I will be able to offer support when needed.

My birthday

I turned 50 last week. Hard to imagine.  When I lost Solomon I was 34.  So much has happened in life.  Lately I've been praying to him a lot for what weighs heaviest on my mind.  I do wonder if his spirit can hear me and is aware of my life. I hope I'm forgiven for losing him when I did everything I could to save him.

15+

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to have a girly medical procedure.  The last time I had this procedure was 2000.  In fact I had two that year: one 7 weeks after losing Solomon and the second for my blighted ovum.

For the 2000 events, I remember bargaining with God, please let my body heal, please let me get pregnant and have a living baby.  This time around, I was bargaining to let me live.  I get very paranoid and have fatalistic thoughts whenever I am anaesthetized.  Now it takes the form of how will my family go on without me?  I'm not that narcissistic to believe they would be incapable.  I just get so saddened at thoughts of what I would miss if I weren't here to be with them.

Obviously things went well as deep in my heart I knew they would.  Still, lingering thoughts about the trajectory of my life.

Justice

A few months ago I read a news story online.  It was about Steve and Lindsey Justice, who had lost septuplets.  The story is here:  http://www.people.com/article/north-carolina-couple-lose-septuplets.
I felt so sad for them so I sent them a copy of my book. 

I'm often delinquent in checking my P.O. box.  Most of the orders for my book come via in the Internet/Paypal.  Today I happen to be at the Post Office dropping off mail and opened my P.O. to find a huge stack of miscellaneous advertisement.  After sorting through it all, there was an envelope addressed to me, hand-written, highly unusual.

I was shocked and warmed when I opened it.  It was from Lindsey Justice, thanking me for sending along the book. She wrote she has found much comfort in it. 

I don't often receive feedback about  Journeys and certainly have never received any for sending it cold. I never know how it will be received.  Lindsey's note was very reassuring the Journeys has a place in this world.  I wish her and her family peace on their journey.

15

Dreading today as always. Having one of my "anniversary" stomach aches.  In 15 years since losing Solomon, I have birthed two children who continue to thrive.  I have taken on volunteer roles I never knew existed.  I started part-time work that is very rewarding.  I've made friends, many of whom I would never have crossed paths with.

Solomon hugged me today.  I had misplaced his Certificate of Stillbirth and it has weighed on my mind for months. I have the scan of it in my laptop.  Today, not even looking for it, it appeared:  I found it tucked in with my label paper of all things.

I feel my loss very acutely on this day.  Eric has commented (to me in real life) how interesting it is to see who has acknowledged my Facebook photo: the scrapbook page I made for Solomon. 

Eric has given me space today and also kept my mind occupied.  We can talk about Solomon in a way we could not 15 years ago.  I watch the clock, and remember the day.  My tears come quietly.

Grey's Anatomy

On Thursday February 12, 2015, Grey's Anatomy aired "All I Could Do Was Cry."  The story revolved around two lead characters and the prospect of losing their baby mid-pregnancy.  I wish there would have been one of those scrolling red bars at the bottom of my TV screen, you know the ones, they run most of the time during the winter months to warn of hazardous weather.

Anyway, I watched the episode because I love this show and happen to find myself home, without any kid-transporting or errand-running.  To say the show covered a lifetime of emotions is an understatement.

I was first moved when April became aware there was nothing she could do for her son in utero, that he was in pain.  This was the deciding factor for her to move forward to end her pregnancy. I know that moment, as does anyone who is probably reading this blog.  

Another poignant moment was when April's mother-in-law spoke to her about releasing her baby.  The MIL gave April the strength she needed.  I was blessed to have someone do this for me and it came in the form of my best friend's aunt.  She told me she would pray for me and while I cried to her on the telephone, she told me she would be my vitamin, she would be my strength.  I hear her words whenever I have the opportunity to see her.

And while April still is holding out for a miracle, knowing they occur, I remember I wanted one too. Who wouldn't?  I wanted to be the medical mystery, I wanted my miracle.  But in my immediate situation I would not have it.  My induction proceeded and I thought my physician was crazy.  But on TV, April and Jackson (her husband) were able to hold their baby for the few seconds that he lived.  Maybe that was their miracle.