15+

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to have a girly medical procedure.  The last time I had this procedure was 2000.  In fact I had two that year: one 7 weeks after losing Solomon and the second for my blighted ovum.

For the 2000 events, I remember bargaining with God, please let my body heal, please let me get pregnant and have a living baby.  This time around, I was bargaining to let me live.  I get very paranoid and have fatalistic thoughts whenever I am anaesthetized.  Now it takes the form of how will my family go on without me?  I'm not that narcissistic to believe they would be incapable.  I just get so saddened at thoughts of what I would miss if I weren't here to be with them.

Obviously things went well as deep in my heart I knew they would.  Still, lingering thoughts about the trajectory of my life.