Mother's Day, then and now

Another Mother's Day. Six years ago, after losing Solomon, my husband and I went on a trip to Atlantis in the Bahamas. I always considered that my 'consolation prize." Instead of attending the black-tie ball in a maternity gown, I was there stuffed into a size 2 number with a blubber belly from the pregnancy. I hated myself and almost everyone else. I didn't have too much fun on the trip, there was an emptiness inside of me that no amount of sunshine, pampering and food (really good food) could fill. I hadn't yet begun to think of myself as a childless mother, but I did define myself as a mother whose child had died. My husband gave me a gold little boy charm which I'd had engraved Solomon 5/8/00. Friends looked at me oddly when I showed them. So many folks were clueless and I didn't have the words or energy to explain.

I had braids put in my hair ocean-side, sitting in the hot sun. It hurt a lot but I somehow felt I deserved it, that I deserved to suffer. I did everything in power to protect Solomon and in the end nothing mattered, he was lost.

And today, with Alison and Adam running around - gosh, it's just so different. I'm their mother, they have no one else and hopefully never will. The sun rises and sets with them. I hope they never feel I'm 'needy' of them, even though I am.