Friday, October 21, 2016

Small Great Things

I read the book, Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult this week.  The story was excellent and I pretty much abandoned many of my usual chores to read.  There were two sentences that just will stay with me.  "I think I know why it is called the Kangaroo Suite.  It's because even when you no longer have a child, you carry him forever."  Here is the Amazon link  Small Great Things

Sunday, October 16, 2016

In Memory

This week was both Yom Kippur (October 12) and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day (October 15).  We lit a candle for Solomon along with Eric's dad and brother for Yom Kippur.  Imagine my surprise when Eric suggested including Solomon in our Temple's Yizkor Book.  Yizkor is a memorial service held by Jews on certain holy days for deceased relatives or martyrs.  We made our offering and here is the photo of Solomon's name.  I rarely see his whole name anywhere.  I was so touched at Eric's suggestion.

Tuesday, March 08, 2016

Wonder 16

Today is the 16th anniversary of losing Solomon.  In less than three weeks Adam will have his bar mitzvah.  March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, especially for me.  I've spent the last few months wondering, a lot.  Wondering what Solomon would look like at this age.  Wondering if he would be athletic like Eric or a book-lover like me, maybe both.  I wonder if he would have a girlfriend, or a boyfriend and would have all the googly feelings of a first crush.  I wonder sometimes how 16 years have flown by in a blink.

Thursday, December 31, 2015


Eric shared an email with me just the other day.  An older couple from our Temple wrote to the Executive Board about the loss of their grand-daughter at 34 weeks.  They knew the child would not live earlier in their daughter's pregnancy.

As I read the email, I could feel another piece of my heart breaking off and drifting away - for their pain and suffering, and for mine.  The odd thing is, I was also feeling envious.  Solomon did not make it to 34 weeks and I did not get to have him in any physical way outside my body.  My thoughts were how lucky this family was to be able to see this child and to hold this child while I was not able to.

In the end a loss is a loss and hopefully Eric and I will be able to offer support when needed.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

My birthday

I turned 50 last week. Hard to imagine.  When I lost Solomon I was 34.  So much has happened in life.  Lately I've been praying to him a lot for what weighs heaviest on my mind.  I do wonder if his spirit can hear me and is aware of my life. I hope I'm forgiven for losing him when I did everything I could to save him.

Friday, May 15, 2015


Yesterday, I had the opportunity to have a girly medical procedure.  The last time I had this procedure was 2000.  In fact I had two that year: one 7 weeks after losing Solomon and the second for my blighted ovum.

For the 2000 events, I remember bargaining with God, please let my body heal, please let me get pregnant and have a living baby.  This time around, I was bargaining to let me live.  I get very paranoid and have fatalistic thoughts whenever I am anaesthetized.  Now it takes the form of how will my family go on without me?  I'm not that narcissistic to believe they would be incapable.  I just get so saddened at thoughts of what I would miss if I weren't here to be with them.

Obviously things went well as deep in my heart I knew they would.  Still, lingering thoughts about the trajectory of my life.

Monday, March 23, 2015


A few months ago I read a news story online.  It was about Steve and Lindsey Justice, who had lost septuplets.  The story is here:
I felt so sad for them so I sent them a copy of my book. 

I'm often delinquent in checking my P.O. box.  Most of the orders for my book come via in the Internet/Paypal.  Today I happen to be at the Post Office dropping off mail and opened my P.O. to find a huge stack of miscellaneous advertisement.  After sorting through it all, there was an envelope addressed to me, hand-written, highly unusual.

I was shocked and warmed when I opened it.  It was from Lindsey Justice, thanking me for sending along the book. She wrote she has found much comfort in it. 

I don't often receive feedback about  Journeys and certainly have never received any for sending it cold. I never know how it will be received.  Lindsey's note was very reassuring the Journeys has a place in this world.  I wish her and her family peace on their journey.