Thursday, December 01, 2011

Sometimes Life is Just Strange

Sometimes life is just strange and I find myself giving my head a whack with the back of my hand.

Alison asked about Solomon.  Alison asks a lot of questions and she is not the type of child who is easily pacified.  I often have to ask her to ask me the question again in a few days, when I have had time to think of and formulate a solid answer for her.

She asked how Solomon died.  How do you explain pPROM to a ten-year old?  Somehow I managed an answer.  She knew that when a baby is in a mom's tummy, the baby is swimming in water.  I told her this was special fluid that helps the baby breath, like a fish.  I explained how my water came out.  She asked if this is what it means when 'the water breaks' so I know she understands a little of the mechanics.

I told her usually the water breaks when a mommy is 9 months pregnant and the baby is ready to be born.  But in my case, the water came out at 5 months.  And because the water helped Solomon breath and grow, and the water was gone, he died.

She got it.  She totatly seemed to understand, and went on to resume playing.  Go figure.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Certificate of Still Birth

Governor Cuomo signed the Certificate of Still Birth legislation into law on September 23, 2011.
I hope I am eligible for one for Solomon. The bill allows 180 days for a certificate to be developed. So it's really another 6 months down the line.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Trees and Flowers

Of all the trees to topple, it is the one that shades Solomon's flowers. I have tears in my eyes surverying my backyard after Hurricane Irene. I am thankful we did not lose power. I am thankful we did not flood in our basement. I am thankful my husband and my children and I are safe. I am saddened by the loss of my tree.

Friday, August 26, 2011


Unforeseen from TH3Productions on Vimeo.

This video was sent to me out of the blue. It is poignant and timely. I hope you enjoy it.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Due Date

Ugh, another July 28th. Date sucks almost as much as March 8th. Maybe someday it won't?

Monday, May 02, 2011


Alison came home today freaked out from learning about puberty. I'm not sure how it happened, but she brought up Solomon, or maybe I did.

She asks a lot of questions, I just wish I had better answers. She stated that he would be in 5th grade and she would see him in the hall if he had lived. Well she's right, he would be in 5th grade, if things had gone according to plan. But would I have her? Or Adam?

How did this come to be my life's plan? I have stopped asking but now I have a child who wants answers, sigh.

Saturday, February 05, 2011


I thought losing Solomon would protect me from other ills. I thought he was the 'loss leader' - that by losing him I would have no more sadness. Needless to say I'm wrong.

Without going into details I find myself faced with increasing sadness of an inevitability. And it angers me. And it scares me to be angry again. Anger is the hardest emotion for me to let go of. It is not appeased by food or drink or shopping or exercise. There is no antidote to anger the way crying is to sadness.

So now I face myself struggling to keep the lid on my anger when all I really want to do is scream.