Monday, October 19, 2009

Laura Mann
Sometimes life just sucks. Laura Mann died yesterday. She was a cousin through marriage. I loved her. And not only that, I liked her. She was that rare combination of warmth, empathy, acceptance and perseverance. She will be missed by so many and for so long.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Time Flies

It has certainly been awhile since I posted, not because I haven't thought about Solomon, just that I haven't felt like posting. Eric and I will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in a few days, which means I am closer to re-living my experiences with Solomon's pregnancy. I go months without recalling anything and then some moment of the experience will creep back into my mind.

Like the other day, I received notification in the mail about the new "Red Light Cameras" that have been installed in my town. And it reminded me of the first time I drove my Buick Skyhawk after losing Solomon. I was traveling north on Jerusalem Avenue in Levittown heading towards my therapist in Sysosset and as I approached the first intersection with a traffic light I drove right through it. I was 4 blocks past when I realized the light had been red and I didn't stop. I wasn't freaked out or anything until I arrived at the therapist's office and realized I could have hurt someone. That was the worst part of that particular moment.

Monday, April 20, 2009


Yesterday was Rebecca's communion. It was really great to share the day with my best friend and her family. I looked at a photo album from Rebecca's baptism and saw Solomon's mom. Rebecca and Solomon were supposed to be born within days of each other. Rebecca and Solomon were supposed to be friends.

In the photo album is the "after" Amy - the one who lost Solomon. I am smiling because I am so thrilled for my friend. I am smiling because I am pregnant AGAIN. That baby wouldn't arrive either, but I didn't know that then.

I still have the outfit I wore to Rebecca's baptism and toyed with wearing it yesterday. How ironic that would have been if I did.

Miss you S.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Passover 2009

Tomorrow I will host my first seder as Eric's wife, in our home. It is 2009.

The first seder we spent as a married couple I was in mourning. I will forever have my mother-in-law's face imprinted in my memory from when we arrived at her sister's house for Passover. I know it was a look of concern, but what I felt (and still do on occasion) is FAILURE. I ran to the bathroom and just burst into tears.

"Next year in maternity clothes" was what I uttered when everyone else state strongly, "next year in Jerusalem."

And here I am hosting my first seder. Solomon is missing. My grandmother in missing. I will lay the table with our glass dishes and my grandmother's kiddush cup for Elijah. I will engage Alison and Adam (hopefully) in the seder. Hopefully I will make things easier for my family, my parents especially.

The holiday of Passover is about freedom. Those who grieve are never really free from it.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

The Day of Why

It is now 8:51pm and I am waiting to exhale. This is always the worst day for me, every year. It is easier, I'll grant you that, than last year and last year was easier than the one before. But I can feel the stress of the day in my body, the tension upon awakening knowing this is "that day."

Solomon would be 9 today if he had lived. And if he had lived, I wonder how he would be. I get so emotional when I see special needs kids, and thank God every day for the normalness my children exhibit.

Today is the only day of the year I give myself permission to ask the whys? Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to him? Why did this happen to us?

What did I do to deserve this? Technically, not a why question, but something wondered always in the recesses of my mind, my only answer being so I would know what real stress and heartache are, as opposed to the daily stresses and heartaches of every day life.

I just don't think that's a good enough answer.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Ash Wednesday

I just realized it is Ash Wednesday, not a holiday of significance for me but it is the day I delivered Solomon. March 8, 2000 was also Ash Wednesday. When I delivered him, only Eric and my doctor were in the room with me. When all was done, I remember my nurse returning, she had gone to church on her lunch break. It's curious what gets remembered and when.