Monday, April 20, 2009


Yesterday was Rebecca's communion. It was really great to share the day with my best friend and her family. I looked at a photo album from Rebecca's baptism and saw Solomon's mom. Rebecca and Solomon were supposed to be born within days of each other. Rebecca and Solomon were supposed to be friends.

In the photo album is the "after" Amy - the one who lost Solomon. I am smiling because I am so thrilled for my friend. I am smiling because I am pregnant AGAIN. That baby wouldn't arrive either, but I didn't know that then.

I still have the outfit I wore to Rebecca's baptism and toyed with wearing it yesterday. How ironic that would have been if I did.

Miss you S.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Passover 2009

Tomorrow I will host my first seder as Eric's wife, in our home. It is 2009.

The first seder we spent as a married couple I was in mourning. I will forever have my mother-in-law's face imprinted in my memory from when we arrived at her sister's house for Passover. I know it was a look of concern, but what I felt (and still do on occasion) is FAILURE. I ran to the bathroom and just burst into tears.

"Next year in maternity clothes" was what I uttered when everyone else state strongly, "next year in Jerusalem."

And here I am hosting my first seder. Solomon is missing. My grandmother in missing. I will lay the table with our glass dishes and my grandmother's kiddush cup for Elijah. I will engage Alison and Adam (hopefully) in the seder. Hopefully I will make things easier for my family, my parents especially.

The holiday of Passover is about freedom. Those who grieve are never really free from it.