October 15: National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remebrance Day

Feeling it today.  Actually was feeling it the other day.  We're invited to a friend's son's Bar Mitzvah next month.  Another friend had her son's bar mitzvah a few months ago.  This was supposed to be the year of Solomon's bar mitzvah, he was supposed to be friends with these two boys.  According to Eric, he is an angel on their shoulders.  Very surprised Eric would say something like this - I hope it's true.

Superstorm Sandy

It is seven months since Superstorm Sandy hit Long Island.  Our house suffered little bits of damage but nothing compared to our friends and neighbors around the block and in our town, some of whom are still not domiciled in their beloved homes.

For the first two days without electricity, it was an adventure.  Eric and I travelled carefully around town, kids in tow, checking on friends and helping where we could.  The devastation was overwhelming and I began to grow very afraid.

By the fifth day, all of our food was gone - a complete freezer full and a complete refrigerator full.  Our town warnings were to have candles, water, food, matches and other items to get through a day or so.  They did not warn of the possibility of an almost two-week stint without electricity.

When Eric needed to check on clients, he left me and the two kids in our back room. He lit a fire and I sat in front of the fire feeding it wood and twigs and when it was low old newspapers.  One such afternoon I called our town's Office of Emergency Management.  When I asked the very young employee if he had any ideas about progress and when the power would be restored his reply was "turn on the TV for the updates."  I had heard some really stupid things before but this one is in my top three.

While driving on a major road in our town I leaned out the window and let loose with a cohort of expletives that even shocked my husband.  But the cars crossing our road still would not stop, and they barely slowed.  I thought we would all die.

Over the next 13 days we managed to feed the kids, keep them sheltered, keep ourselves sheltered, and check on friends.  We attended a rally with our friends and neighbors, and continued to be perplexed by the delays restoring power.

For 13 days I reminded myself again and again, "this is not the worst thing to happen, it could be worse."  I am not sure if I am lucky to have lost Solomon.  That loss kept this crisis in check.

Return to Zero film

Break the Silence! Pledge to See RETURN TO ZERO in theaters!

RETURN TO ZERO is the first film ever created with stillbirth as its central theme. We have an amazing cast (MINNIE DRIVER, PAUL ADELSTEIN, ALFRED MOLINA, CONNIE NIELSEN KATHY BAKER, ANDREA ANDERS and SARAH JONES) and have created a beautiful and touching film that will change how people view stillbirth and the effect it has on parents, relationships, families, and communities.

Now we need this film to reach the largest audience possible--which is why we need your help!

By PLEDGING to see RETURN TO ZERO in theaters opening weekend when it shows in your community you will prove to Hollywood that that there is an audience for a film about this difficult but important subject matter.

We can do this--but only if we work together. Let's finally SHATTER THE SILENCE ONCE AND FOR ALL! PLEDGE BELOW!

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform

Movies

There ought to be a warning on all movices or TV programs where a baby dies or a woman miscarries or delivers a stillborn. Eric and I watched the movie "Perfect Family" with Kathleen Turner and her daughter is pregnant and loses the baby midway through.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEGNqbpZpnA&noredirect=1

And let's not mention every other drama on TV - it's enough.

Graduation Day

So many of my friends children are graduating 6th grade today. I am missing Solomon so much. Every time I see someone's post on Facebook, and there are tons as I was pregnant with so many other gals, tears well up in my eyes.

Waiting for Baby

Waiting for baby, 8 months along - with a mystery baby who would be born not too long afterwards.

Surprising Moment

So I am gainfully employed for a bit, part-time and temporary through mid-August. I like my work, the environment, my co-workers and especially my supervisor whom I call "boss lady." This woman really could have been a grief counselor as she is a really great teacher, patient and calm, and an overall wonderful person.

I am at work and reviewing some forms...hey it's not too exciting but it's my job. And I see the name of a child. This child is a girl, this child is in 6th grade in our school District and I know this child's mom from my former life - the one 'before' - the one where I also worked but the one where people knew me 'before' I lost Solomon.

As soon as I see this child's name my heart skips a beat. I remember when this child was born, a few weeks after Solomon. I remember thinking how this child and Solomon would be in school together because this child's mom was one of the many whom I knew was pregnant with me. Then the obvious comes to the surface, no, Solomon will never be in school.

I had to stop what I was doing and just remind myself to breath. It was harder than I thought but I managed to get through the moment. But still I just wish sometimes there weren't moments I had to get through in the first place. You know?

Always a bridesmaid...

Today the Certificate of Stillbirth applications are available.  This was a long road for so many and I am happy for those who will be able to obtain one.  Sadly, it is not looking likely that I will.  Because I was not at that magical "20 week" mark, and only a mere 19 weeks 6 days, Solomon was not turned over to a funeral director for burial.  The application asks for this information.  Yet again my experience going through childbirth is not acknowledged.

Regardless, here are two sites you can obtain the information from:
http://www.danielsstar.org/03212012%20NYC%20instructions.html
http://www.angelnames.org/

Good luck.

Sometimes Life is Just Strange

Sometimes life is just strange and I find myself giving my head a whack with the back of my hand.

Alison asked about Solomon.  Alison asks a lot of questions and she is not the type of child who is easily pacified.  I often have to ask her to ask me the question again in a few days, when I have had time to think of and formulate a solid answer for her.

She asked how Solomon died.  How do you explain pPROM to a ten-year old?  Somehow I managed an answer.  She knew that when a baby is in a mom's tummy, the baby is swimming in water.  I told her this was special fluid that helps the baby breath, like a fish.  I explained how my water came out.  She asked if this is what it means when 'the water breaks' so I know she understands a little of the mechanics.

I told her usually the water breaks when a mommy is 9 months pregnant and the baby is ready to be born.  But in my case, the water came out at 5 months.  And because the water helped Solomon breath and grow, and the water was gone, he died.

She got it.  She totatly seemed to understand, and went on to resume playing.  Go figure.

more on the Certificate of Still Birth for NYS

http://www.nysenate.gov/press-release/senator-kennedy-announces-governor-signs-certificate-still-birth-law
I hope I can get one for Solomon.

Certificate of Still Birth

Governor Cuomo signed the Certificate of Still Birth legislation into law on September 23, 2011.
http://www.governor.ny.gov/press/09232011GovernorCuomoApprovesVetoesLegislation
I hope I am eligible for one for Solomon. The bill allows 180 days for a certificate to be developed. So it's really another 6 months down the line.

Trees and Flowers

Of all the trees to topple, it is the one that shades Solomon's flowers. I have tears in my eyes surverying my backyard after Hurricane Irene. I am thankful we did not lose power. I am thankful we did not flood in our basement. I am thankful my husband and my children and I are safe. I am saddened by the loss of my tree.

Unforeseen

Unforeseen from TH3Productions on Vimeo.

This video was sent to me out of the blue. It is poignant and timely. I hope you enjoy it.

Due Date

Ugh, another July 28th. Date sucks almost as much as March 8th. Maybe someday it won't?

Answers

Alison came home today freaked out from learning about puberty. I'm not sure how it happened, but she brought up Solomon, or maybe I did.

She asks a lot of questions, I just wish I had better answers. She stated that he would be in 5th grade and she would see him in the hall if he had lived. Well she's right, he would be in 5th grade, if things had gone according to plan. But would I have her? Or Adam?

How did this come to be my life's plan? I have stopped asking but now I have a child who wants answers, sigh.

Anger

I thought losing Solomon would protect me from other ills. I thought he was the 'loss leader' - that by losing him I would have no more sadness. Needless to say I'm wrong.

Without going into details I find myself faced with increasing sadness of an inevitability. And it angers me. And it scares me to be angry again. Anger is the hardest emotion for me to let go of. It is not appeased by food or drink or shopping or exercise. There is no antidote to anger the way crying is to sadness.

So now I face myself struggling to keep the lid on my anger when all I really want to do is scream.

11 years

I know it's not significant in any way but yesterday, Thanksgiving, was eleven years from when I was with my family keeping our big secret, we were pregnant. I see the photos of my with a goofy grin and I just get nauseated. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday but yesterday was just rough for me since it was the same date as it was in 1999. Stupid I know but I can't help it sometimes.

Still Sucks

Well, it still sucks. At least I have given up thinking it won't ever won't.
Today was A Walk to Remember. I didn't walk. I attended the memorial part of the service. I kissed Solomon's quilt square and his scrapbook page. And as I stood trying to shelter my candle in the wind, I kept thinking, "my baby died and all I got was this stupid candle." I don't mean to sound cruel, but it just still sucks.

When asked if anyone wanted to speak, I did not go up. I am further down the road of needing to speak about my son and my journey. What I really wanted to do was speak about Tyler Clementi, an 18 year old Rutgers University Student who took his life a few days ago because of the cruelty of others. Tyler was someone's child too. No one should ever have to bury a child.

The Empire State Building

It almost escaped me that today is 'that day' or it used to be what I considered 'that day.' July 28, 2000 is the day I was supposed to give birth to my first beautiful child. But it was not to be how I planned.

I didn't even realize the date until I was in the checkout line at King Kullen this morning. And it would have escaped my psyche altogether if the cashier hadn't handed me back a coupon with an expiration date of yesterday, July 27, 2010. That's when I realized today was 'that day.' Or not.

For years this date held as much significance to me as any other, and those who know me know I keep a mental calendar and can usually recall dates to various events in life, mine and theirs.

July 28 used to stand out in my mind like the Empire State Building, towering over so many of the other dates. But now, ten years later, it's supplanted by far more wonderful dates: Alison's and Adam's birthdates are now the Empire State Buildings in my mental calendar. My joy at having them eclipses this date. I don't feel the grief of this day so strongly any more. I actually feel at peace, for today.

Every Last One

I could not put down Anna Quindlen's latest book, Every Last One. I was completely captivated. It took me a day to read it, starting with snatches of pages early in the morning before anyone was awake. I read on our car ride out to a friends engagement party. En route back I got to the climax and wanted to scream but my husband, children and dad, my fellow passengers, would not have taken my yelling well. I finished by forcing my eyes awake until after midnight. This morning I can still feel the book in me.

I found the most evocative passage on page 200 (the hardcover US edition): "It was not so much I wanted to die; it was just that I could not bear the incessant feeling of being alive." The line was the knockout punch that brought it all home for me.

There was an evening Eric came home from work to find me in the fetal position in our bedroom, gasping for air as I could not control my tears. The pain was ravaging the wound still so new. My understanding that people just didn't get it growing until I felt it would swallow me up. I told Eric I didn't want to die but the idea of living without the baby, for I did not know his name right then, was too much for me - I couldn't do it. I think it was one of the few times in our marriage Eric was actually afraid.

The next line in the book: "And then it occurred to me that I was already dead, that what was left behind was a carapace, like the shells of cicadas we found a few summers ago." This is what Eric knew way before me, that I was gone, the woman he had just wooed and wed and created life with was not there anymore and I know he wondered "where did my wife go?" and that was just the beginning.